February 16, 2008 at 7:44 am (inspirations, relationships)
Tags: creativity, mourning, play
I cannot believe it’s been 31 weeks already. Who knows, in the words of Sandy Denny, where the time goes?
I’ve been transitioning out of my work, going down to PT hopefully soon. My company, a startup, didn’t have a maternity policy, so this has taken some wiggling and patience on my part. I wanted to be done in Nov. But I am appreciating the extra dough, and actually am heartened by some recent decisions the company has made. So it’s good to be around for this.
Dig a layer or two deeper, though, and I feel a considerable undercurrent of sadness. Mourning, perhaps? Dunno. I absolutely treasure these early mornings of solitude. Or the freedom for C and I to randomly decide – let’s get Thai and catch a movie! We had perhaps the best Valentine’s Day ever, just enjoying each other’s company over a fancy pants dinner we made together. It was so peaceful, funny, intimate, quiet, connected. I know the bean will turn our lives on frappe, and I fear that we won’t know how to get back to this wonderful peace. Or worse, there won’t be any time for it.
How do people do this?
I am so aware now of every free moment so I can experience its deliciousness. Maybe having these memories will somehow help.
I’ve been doing a lot of drawing – colored pencil on paper – of pregnancy images. This Birthing From Within book just fabulous – it uses art therapy to explore your inner emotional landscape around issues of birth, labor, motherhood, etc. I’ve missed drawing over the last, oh I dunno, 10 years. If I figure out how to scan, I will post some.
My co-worker S and I have been resurrecting the fiction story I had started last Nov. I LOVE LOVE LOVE working with her. She and I are cut from the same creative/process cloth, and it’s such a joy to be working with someone who has that in common. We spend an hour each week on it, and it’s inspiring me to keep it going and not feel like such shit about letting it languish. Thank you thank you S for kick-starting that one.
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February 9, 2008 at 9:08 am (insanity, miracle, relationships, third trimester)
Two nights ago, I awoke in the middle of the night completely terrified. I couldn’t put words to it. I was lying in bed with this crush of feelings in my body. Terror, anger, confusion. I got up, made some tea and sat at my computer and tried to write. When I re-read the choppy prose that came out of me that night, it was clear that I felt a dissolution of myself and my boundaries. Eg who the fuck am I becoming and what the fuck is happening to my back bone? Not the literal one – though that back bone is going through the wringer too – I’m talking about my metaphoric one: The one that drives my proverbial bus, enforces boundaries, gives me insight, a sense of humor, and a delight in the world??? WTF??
My shrink says that this dissolution of boundaries is a natural part of 3rd term pregnancy. When you’re getting ready to have a bean and beans take all your time/energy/life force/patience/sanity, etc, you’re hormonally getting ready to be selfless for some undetermined amount of time. Not sure I’m a fan of this particular new flavor of hormonal jag, but I get its necessity.
I woke up C and cried on him for about 30 min. Covered new ground – got a lot of it out, felt heard, and hopeful.
Next morning, on my way to work, I noticed the hormonal crush was gone and in its place was a well…a deep well of … fuck, I don’t know, patience? Grace? Resignation? No, not resignation. It was too sunny a day for that. It felt good. Like the hormones and the sunlight and the other cars on the road were flowing like big spring rivers over boulders that had been there for years and years.
Not sure I could recreate this, not sure I want to. But there does seem to be a big lesson for me here about flow. It is spring here, after all.
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February 5, 2008 at 9:38 pm (Uncategorized)
It’s starting to be very real. I am talking about and thinking about little else. It’s amazing to think that – in 3 months’ time – everything about my life will be different. Those are the external changes – they feel monumental. The internal changes are subtle, but profound. There are some parts of being a mama that definitely come naturally to me. Other parts – dealing with all the poo for instance – will require a little more patience.
I have found a wonderful mama’s circle, for which I am eternally grateful. These women kick such ass. Finding a good mama’s circle is a great idea. I don’t know how people do this without each other.
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February 1, 2008 at 7:44 am (politics)
Tags: hope, obama
This isn’t a political blog, so forgive the brief detour. I haven’t been this excited about a politician, well, ever. So moved by this, I had to sit down and put my reasons to pixels:
1) He is a fabulous orator. I could listen to this man speak for the rest of my life. Over the past 8 years of bullshit sniveling cowboy posturing from Bush, Obama’s victory speech in Iowa rang like a clear call straight to the human spirit: “It’s time to move on,” it said. Nothing damning or mean or pompous or spiteful. Just matter-of-fact from the heart and to the heart: “We have too much to lose. It’s time to move on, together.”
2) Which brings me to the second point which is his wisdom around inclusiveness. Obama talks about “us” not “me.” He talks of “all of us” not “us vs them.” It’s about time a spokesperson for the greatest melting pot experiment on earth really understand the notion of inclusiveness.
3) His campaign is internally organized. I went to a conference where Howard Dean’s former web producers spoke about how they received a lot of grassroots interest from internet users, but they didn’t have the organizational wherewithall to motivate them or put them to good use. Obama’s got a massive internet infrastructure, including daily messages with clear calls to action, and a solid brand. He has a regularly updated feed on Twitter and Flickr so you can follow his campaign, right next to your friends and family. Hat’s off to whomever is running this.
4) All the wonderful viral videos. One of Obama’s key messages is hope, and with hope comes empowerment. This sentiment is echoed in the literally thousands of viral videos people are producing themselves in support of Obama. YouBama.com is an aggregator of all sorts of video endorsements, from George Clooney and former president of Chicago National Organization of Women (a former Hillary supporter) to “Super Obama Girl,” lots of random kid videos, and a Muppet mashup. Compared with the obsessively tight info-management of the Bush Cheney empire, this is a profound difference, and one that actually works in alignment with available media channels. Sooo smart.
5) Race. Here’s a man who models, quite literally, what can happen when you transcend the racial divide.
There are so many more. For now, let me just say that the future I envision with this man as our President is as hopeful as I’ve felt in ages. And as a parent-to-be, I could not be more grateful.
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