Gratitude: A series

November 29, 2007 at 10:51 pm (miracle)

Got the call last night from SF Perinatel about the amnio results  – no abnormalities. Phew.

I have really popped physically. Not sure if that’s from all the burritos and turkey leftovers, but I am BIG.

I felt the bean move the other night for the first time.

Went to see a wonderful play at the Magic Theater tonight,  The Crowd You’re In With, which is about 3 couples – one older and snarky and childless, one younger, and optimistic and pregnant with their first kid, and a third couple – on the fence about whether to have kids or not. They’re all at a July 4 barbeque in the back of a Chicago apartment building when this barbeque goes terriby awry. Ironically, I could relate to every single character in this thing: the cranky old folks, the younger optimists, and the ambivalent heroes in the middle.  I went with my friends D, L and K, all of us in differing stages of parent-and relationship-hood. It would have been fun to go out for a (near) beer after and debate the pros and cons of each. Maybe another time.

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Birthing center tour

November 25, 2007 at 5:31 pm (birthing, medical)
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C and I took a tour of the birthing center at Alta Bates  this morning.  As hospitals go, this one seems pretty amazing.  The birthing rooms are darkened, they work with a whole bunch of different midwives, and they actually encourage you to work with a doula.

I also noticed they had wonderful art on the walls – bright collages and water colors – interspersed with sweet hand made quilts and beautiful black and white photos of all sorts of babies.

They also offer a gazillion birthing classes, and are specific about the need for baby and mama to bond immediately after birth. They do not take the baby away and clean her up immediately except in cases where the health of the baby is in danger. Instead, they put her right on mama’s chest. Our  guide, Robin, must have mentioned this 5 times throughout the tour.

There was a woman in labor this morning as we were touring the space.  She was walking the hallway, slowly, with her partner and a doula. Man, she looked tired.

Anyway, I guess I’m at the point where I need to decide on a midwife and doula sort of soon.  As I understand it, their proverbial dance cards fill up. (Who knew?) Anyway, I’ve got a couple leads, but would love any recommendations of midwives and doulas from you wise ones who’ve gone before. If they work w/Alta Bates, so much the better, but I’m open to other places.  I’ve heard East Bay Perinatal has some terrific midwives, for instance, but they work with Summit (yes? no? East Bay Perinatal’s website is down…)

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Thanksgiving

November 22, 2007 at 7:17 am (miracle)

I am so very grateful for:

  • The bean
  • C
  • Our home
  • The wonderful, generous and beautiful individuals in our families
  • My passionate, amazing and supportive friends and larger community
  • The health care folks, doctors, technicians, acupuncturists, counselors etc who guide their patients through so many unknowns
  • The coaches, mentors and shrink-types who help me stay focused
  • The day job for the learning and stability
  • The advisors and brilliant heads who help with my creative projects
  • Everyone on Earth who is taking risks, doing what they love, following their heart, improving the human condition – for making it that much more obvious the rest of us
  • The planet, for taking so much of our shit and still hanging in there

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How C found out.

November 21, 2007 at 5:10 pm (family, relationships)

So this morning, C and I are having breakfast in bed, and we’re talking about this recent Wall Street Journal article about Disney’s $4 billion “princess franchise” The upshot of the article is that Disney has crafted a series of princess archetypes to resonate with young girls, starting with newborns (diaper changing stations) and extending through toddlerhood (Cinderalla), into grammer school (fairies, Pocahontas), through adolescence (High School Musical, Hannah Montana) and all the way to adulthood (Enchanted) when we start having girls of our own. Lather, rinse, repeat.

This topic has a big old charge for me – as Disney has historically cranked out only two female archetypes – both awful. 1) Weak beautiful damsel needing a prince to rescue her, and 2) wicked villainess who tricks children. AWFUL VAPID destructive role model crap. I HATE THIS!

Anyway, seeing as how C doesn’t want to know the bean’s gender, I know I am going to have to work hard not to tip my hand around this conversation. It’s cutting so close to home! And I succeed at this – in my empassioned, yet intellectualized and neutral tone.

I add that most girls go through a princess phase, not really remembering how long this phase usually lasts, or if it’s really a phase at all. But wanting to acknowledge that it’s pretty likely this bean is gonna find something compelling about the princess thing and it’s best to let it happen if she’s really drawn to it.

Then C makes a remark about Disneyland having make-up and hair stations where these girls – young girls – get their parents to pay $$$ for these princess makeovers. I am reminded of the image with the article of a girl no older than 8 in a ridiculous and even kinda sexy princess outfit. And it just hits me as SO WRONG. And I blurt, “GOD, I hope the bean doesn’t fall for that crap!”

At that point, he just looks at me. I can’t tell if he thinks I’m bluffing or if I’m totally busted. In an effort to keep the secret, my mind races to make up some counter bluff, about how our son won’t have to deal with princess crap – how lucky we are! But I’m just so giddy from blurting it out that I start laughing and crying uncontrollably. “It’s a girl!” I finally confirm, and he hugs me and starts laughing and crying too.

And ultimately, she may like princesses. What the hell. I liked princesses. Presumably now that we’re in the 21st century, there are some out there that are a little more multidimensional.

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It’s a girl!

November 20, 2007 at 6:38 am (development, family, miracle, technology)
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First off, I cannot tell you how relieved I am that this amnio is over. Well okay it’s not really over because we don’t have the test results, but the procedure is over and MAN I didn’t realize what a bugaboo I had going on in my head about this.

It was gross and it did hurt but nothing really like I expected. My doctor was great – the explanation – “It’s going to hurt like you’re getting a shot – then it’s going to feel like menstrual cramps” – was right on except it hurt a lot more like a mofo than a shot or cramps.  C was a TOTAL CHAMP and held me and talked to me and helped my lizard brain focus on vapid gossip rather than the impulse to fly off that table like a shot.

It’s still a little sore today but LAA! It’s over. And we’re going to have a girl! LAA! I am so happy to know. C, on the other hand, doesn’t know the bean’s gender yet. So if you know him, please don’t say anything to him yet. He’s liking the surprise, though I’m sure I’ll tell him before Thanksgiving when we go to his family’s and everyone and their dog will be asking about it.

The ultrasound exam was amazing. She spent 20 min at least identifying all these specific organs and body parts, and snapping photos of them for medical records. We could see the 4 chambers of the bean’s heart pumping away – what a freaking miracle – as well as lungs, kidneys, bladder, diaphragm, arm and leg bones, and a teeny tiny spine and rib cage.

I am so glad that is over. And I’m glad I know. I’ll post photos as soon as I sort them off the disc.

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To know, or not to know?

November 17, 2007 at 12:55 pm (technology)
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My amnio is on Monday.

Honestly, I’m a little grossed out by the whole idea of sticking a needle in my gut. Of course childbirth is much grosser than this, so I realize I will have to get over myself.

But the larger question is this: Do I find out the gender of this bean, or do I wait?

The pros for finding out are numerous. Perhaps most importantly, a lot of people have told me they “feel” like it’s a boy. Nobody seems to feel it’s a girl. In some ways, unconsciously I think, I have been assuming they’re right. It takes some effort to consciously reject their predictions and hold neutral energy toward the bean. And that’s really sort of dumb, because I can feel it’s affecting how I bond with, uh, him or her. So I want to get the straight scoop about that. Plus, it will help us scale back on the already-daunting list of potential names.

The cons are a little more amorphous. I get the sense that – among pregnant women – it’s not “cool” to find out. Or it’s more old school or something to wait til birth. Friends who have found out describe it as “peeking” or “couldn’t wait.”So I guess it’s about not spoiling the surprise. I suppose I do like the idea of being surprised, but shit I’m already going to be plenty surprised when the kid actually comes out!

Nope. I’m finding out.

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Wow. They weren’t kidding

November 15, 2007 at 6:50 am (inspirations, miracle, work)
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when they said “you’ll feel great in the second trimester.”

What an understatement. I don’t feel “great,” I feel amazing. I feel infused by some supernatural force that gives me energy and hope and endless gratitude. I have so much extra energy, I don’t know what to do with myself!

After a long creative dry spell, I picked up a fiction project – let’s call it “Antlerville” – that I’d abandoned a few years ago, and love the characters more than ever. The topic feels more relevent now than ever, too. Taking advantage of jet lag from last week’s NY trip, I’ve spent the last few early mornings jamming on plot, character development, technology research, etc.

My achilles heel in these kinds of things has always been my follow-through, though. Like, I love the thing for the first while, and then some obstacle comes along and I bail on the whole project. I used to get in this cycle all the time, but it started breaking my heart too much, so I quit everything except spinning music.

C is a master at plowing through obstacles. I, much more comfortable in “flow,” am not. Thus, I called a writing coach yesterday to help keep this show on the road. He seems like a smart NY jew – an affable yet extremely articulate guy with a background in psychology – perfect. He happened to have an available appointment tonight, too. Door opens, walk through.

How does work fit into all of this? I decided to do an experiment. If I can leave work @ work for the next 2 weeks, AND make satisfying progress on Antlerville, I will stay there. As an ENFP, I need structure to keep my shit together. But – if this writing coach can provide the structure I need, and/or if I am unable to leave work at work, then I go.

I know this pregnancy thing gets harder. I have to decide where to do the birth, and still must find a midwife and doula. I have all but decided on natural childbirth @ Alta Bates, but need a reality check re: my “high risk” status, since I understand Alta Bates may require more medical-ness than I want now.

But I don’t care about any of that today. I just want to remember this feeling. I wish I could put it in a bottle and sell it. Just in time for the holidays! Or maybe I’d just slip it in the Bush Administration’s water supply. Fa la la. :)

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Traveling while pregnant

November 10, 2007 at 8:29 pm (family)
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I love love love New York City — I am lucky enough to be here for a conference and a quick jaunt upstate to visit family.

Traveling has been a little bit of a challenge, though.  I’m tired a lot and it’s a lot harder to totally fulfill those cravings for pumpkin curry as a house guest.

Still, I’ve been able to get a little exercise, enjoyed the Guggenheim and Natural History Museum, and have had a nice bit of down time to do more writing. Gotta love being forced offline for a bit…

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What to do about work…

November 5, 2007 at 7:20 am (work)
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One of the reasons I’ve not had kids until now is work. Not that I’m one of these women who is “all career, all the time.” To the contrary; I spent most of my 20s as a “slacker,” waiting tables and travelling to Europe and Mexico for multiple months at a time.

When I hit 30, I realized a couple of things: 1) My body is going to fall apart if I keep waitressing and 2) My soul is going to fall apart if I don’t find something more meaningful to do with my life. Not to mention 3) I (still) had no money.

So to make a long story short, I worked my ass off for 13 years, and now that I’m pregnant, I’ve got the opportunity to reframe my job in the context of my life again. What an intriguing gift!

My job can be pretty stressful, although I work to disengage from that when I feel it come on. Sometimes I’m successful, but not usually. My acupuncturist is a big fan of me cutting back or easing out of the craziness, assuming that doesn’t create more financial stress. (Still running the numbers on that one, but I do have some padding.)

I’m six months away. Six months I could be writing, consulting, de-stressing, exercising, praying, playing music, writing more and writing more than that. I’d love to hear from others folks about what you did around the work thing. Did you work til right up til you delivered? What about after the baby was born? Did you set up some kind of work situation you knew you could go back to? Or did you free fall a little?

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Natural Childbirth

November 1, 2007 at 7:54 am (birthing)
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Thanks to all who have offered info and experience around hypnobirthing, OBs and gross fluids. ;) I have spent the better part of the last three days devouring this book: Ina May’s Guide to Childbirth and have found it to be SUCH a hopeful and exciting perspective.

For those who may not know, Ina May Gaskin is the godmother of modern midwifery. In 1971, in the first wave of feminism, she founded and directed a natural birthing center called The Farm, where she delivered over 2200 babies before retiring in 1996. This place sounds amazing – with cottages and nature trails and a team of experienced midwives who see giving birth as this joyous, empowering, sacred act that is yes, painful as ALL HELL sometimes.

Reading this book is not only helping to alleviate my ignorance, but also my fears. It has a list of the right questions to ask of an OB and a midwife. I’m still pretty sure I want to be in a hospital with the understanding that it’s drug-free unless there are serious issues. It’s time to start interviewing OBs, midwives and doulas. If anyone has a recommendation of someone you really loved (or tips on someone to avoid) please let me know!

Ina May Gaskin, you are a rock star.

Friends and wise counselors – thank you thank you thank you. I started this blog as a place to rant and you have made it an invaluable resource for me. I cannot thank you enough.

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