Oh right, the BIRTH!

October 28, 2007 at 6:13 pm (birthing)
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One of the hallmarks of second trimester is all the testing you have to go through. That, and the fact that you’re not feeling so terrible anymore, so you can actually get out and see people like a human being again!

So I’m out last night with some friends when it hit me: I haven’t really begun thinking about the actual birth. Well okay, I have thought about the fact that I want the birth in an actual hospital since I’m older and a little more high risk.

Other than that, a lot is up in the air.

I’d love my OB to deliver the baby but a) she’s crazy busy, and b) everyone here in woowoo bay area says OBs are evil and will force me to have a C-section and that I should really look into more natural childbirth – whatever that means. So I am starting the process of this, sorting out the difference between a midwife and a doula; what the different “stages” of labor are and how the fark an entire baby actually comes out of this little tiny space.

Most mothers I’ve talked to about the actual birth part start by saying how INSANELY painful it is, how any number of gross things end up happening, followed by a list of things they wished they’d done differently. I must have a contorted expression on my face at this point, as they always follow quickly with an apologetic, “I hope I’m not scaring you. It really is amazing.”

My revulsion is enhanced by my astonishingly low tolerance for gross physical stuff. Blood, open wounds, entrails – any of it. And needles. I cannot stand needles. I pass out when they draw blood for a routine blood test. Or get this: When I was 15, I actually fainted when I got my ears pierced, right there on the shopping mall floor!

So when I start placing myself squarely in the middle of this picture – contractions that wrench your gut into a pretzel for 30something straight hours, weird fluids coming out of me, to epidural or not to epidural – I start to shut down. Go into denial. Think about something else.

Obviously this is not a sustainable approach.

Someone recommended something called “hypnobirthing” to me. Someone else said “it doesn’t really help.” So my quest continues. Any suggestions, oh you wise folks who have gone before?

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Is this normal?

October 25, 2007 at 9:42 am (medical, physical symptoms)
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I am riding on the BART train this morning, standing because there are no seats left. I’m feeling great after a lovely breakfast with C, and reading this most intriguing book. Somewhere in the transbay tunnel I start to feel this weird sensation in my gut, almost like an internal tickle with a hot poker or an electric shock. I breathe into it hoping it will go away because it’s very uncomfortable. It starts to spread through my body – it feels like nausea at first, then like I am about to lose consciousness. I contemplate sitting on the floor, but it’s nasty and I fear puking. So instead, I grab the bar to keep from falling down, shut my eyes, and breathe really deep. There is a woman next to me snoring, and the snoring gets REALLY SUPER LOUD and echoes in my head like I’m in a tunnel. I keep breathing and thinking “I will make it - I just have to hold on and keep breathing” Finally, FINALLY we reach the Embarcadero station and I stumble off to make my way on to one of those benches where I can put my head down. It takes a few moments, but eventually I feel okay again.

Is this normal? I think I have passed out like this once before, after a couple of months of starving myself in high school. I eagerly await the return call of my OB/GYN.

Update: Spoke to my ob/gyn about this, and she said that it’s totally normal to have these kinds of episodes when you’re pregnant — getting light headed, passing out etc. I googled and found nothing. So there ya go – don’t operate heavy machinery, I guess.

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Motherhood lesson: #2 in a series

October 24, 2007 at 8:59 pm (miracle, physical symptoms)
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I had a massage tonight with one of my all-time favorite massage therapists on the planet. Everytime I work with her, something cool happens.

I went to see her because I’d been feeling a lot of residual stress and really wanted to get grounded solidly with the bean.

Tonight’s cool moment happend late in the massage, as I was lying on my back, and she started working on my left arm. I had this sudden awareness that the loosening up of my muscles was allowing the quality of Wisdom to seep into my arm, travel up through the muscles and vessels to my core. Wisdom. Making the right decisions thanks to the benefit of life experience.

Next she worked on my right arm. Same thing – a weird disolving of the tension, and this time the energy that was released was the quality of Courage. Courage to step up and do what’s right, mama bear style.

I was so impressed by the clarity of awareness here. So many times I get some kind of kinesthetic data and then it shifts or changes and by the end you’re like ‘did that really happen?’ So I tried to downplay my excitement to myself, as I didn’t want to jinx it!

Then, she worked on my right leg. At this point, the energy switched again; this time to initiation and protection – new ways of interfacing with the external world, for sure. And finally, before she even started working on my left leg, I heard the word, “grace.”

When the massage was over, she let me lie there for a while, and I felt these four energies- Wisdom, Courage, Initiation and Grace carbourate in my body. At first I thought they might be for the bean, but then- duh – nope those are mine.

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Looking good, Billy Ray!

October 24, 2007 at 7:14 am (maternity wear, second trimester)
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Poof – I popped sometime over the weekend. Suddenly, I have a little beach ball and no longer fit in any of my normal clothes, save for one giant pair of brown overalls that C. has dubbed “The Big Brown Bag.” My hair – which I am no longer dying due to mixed reports on the toxicity of hair dye – is now a bizarre, two-tone gray/brown disaster.

Fortunately, now that I have a little more energy to devote to this kind of stuff, I’ve been spending some cycles defining a new look. It starts with asking the question: What kind of mom am I going to be? Will I be fun? Serious? Overwhelmed? Graceful? Will I be a “MILF”? The first place I turn to answer these questions for myself – is my wardrobe.

On a practical level, I must I go through my closet and pull out all my “fat” clothes and pack up all the “thin” ones. Buh bye…all the memories of dancing in these funky outfits, of giving presentations to the board in the snappy jackets, or of donning finery for the fancy dinners with my in-laws…As I seal the box, I whisper to the clothes inside, “Hey you guys, I hope I’ll get to wear you again. Don’t forget me, okay?”

Then I started noticing the leftovers…clothes I never really wore before for whatever reason. And a lot of them actually do fit – and a lot of them are actually pretty cute. After a few hours of mixing and matching, plus a quick trip to the local thrift store, I have a few different looks that feel like the mother I want to be:

1) First, there’s the old-school midwestern maternal “I just made some delicious meat loaf!” look (a sunflowered jumper, which I LOVE, with a turtleneck).

2) Then there’s the graceful west-coast 40something “I just went to yoga” look (a shirt dress with yoga pants, big fuzzy socks and clogs – snappy!).

3) The “It’s almost the holidays I will want something elegant” look of high-waisted dresses with big poofy skirt parts.

4) Then of course, the inevitable “I have no energy to give a fuck about this” look of The Big Brown Bag and whatever shirt is clean.

I’d love to hear of any other ideas (esp those that can be found in thrift stores)! :)

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Down’s Syndrome and Trisomy test results

October 18, 2007 at 10:29 am (medical)
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I got my test results yesterday from the combined screening of last week. Because this is a screening, it’s only a measure of probability, not a definitive YES/NO on these various conditions.

But that said, my probabilities for Down’s Syndrome and Trisomy-13 and -18 are extremely low: 1 in 681 for Downs (average for my age group is 1:35), and 1 in 1200 for Trisomy (average is 1:64). So WOOT! So rather than doing the invasive CVS this week, I will go for an amnio in 3 more weeks. This has lower risk of miscarriage, and higher accuracy.

So one more hurdle crossed! YAY!

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Today’s medical update

October 16, 2007 at 9:08 pm (medical, relationships)
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Went to my OB today. She has this amplified digital stethascope thingie that she probed around my belly until we found the baby’s heartbeat. BAM BAM BAM there it was.

Tomorrow, I get the results from last week’s Combined Screening. I spent an hour on the phone with the SF Perinatal counselor trying to synch schedules with results and make it work with this crazy compressed timing.

Ultimately, tomorrow, I should have the screening results for Downs, trisomy and spina bifida. If the results come back with no hint of any problems, I will forego the CVS tomorrow and get an amnio in 2 more weeks. If there’s any kind of issue in these results, I will go in for the CVS tomorrow. I am actually a few days too late for the CVS but the doc said it’d be okay in my case.

Whee! I cleared my calendar tomorrow afternoon.

C and I are nearly done processing our thang from the other day. We are getting better at this, thank dog.

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Awake too early

October 16, 2007 at 2:41 am (lessons, relationships)
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I woke up on the couch after falling asleep with my book. I’m reading After the Ecstacy, the Laundry by Jack Kornfield.

As I lay there in the dark, I started ruminating about yesterday’s disagreement between C and me, doing mental cartwheels between “why is he such an asshole? blah blah blah” to “what am I supposed to be learning here? blah blah blah” to “I have GOT to breathe and calm down.”

I start to meditate, and at one point when I’m really deep, I feel this energy enter the left side of my body. It’s almost like someone is downloading an upgrade to my OS. The upgrade includes grounded, protective mommy energy that lands in my left thigh, and over my heart and just underneath my left rib. I lay there for a minute, feeling this new patch, letting it integrate with the rest of my system.

Thanks, whoever sent that. I’m going try to get back to sleep now.

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Motherhood Lesson: #1 in a series

October 15, 2007 at 8:39 pm (development, lessons)
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So once every six weeks or so, C and I have some kind of major flare up.  This time, like so many other times, it feels like a) we’ve made a ton of progress and b) we’re back to square one.  Either way, I am aware of how important it is for me to stay grounded and centered these days (and despite wanting to kill C).

According to just about every source I’ve read on the subject, there is a high correlation between maternal stress, premature delivery and low birth weight. Moreover, elevated stress levels produce hormones called corticotrophins, which can influence the development of neurology responsible for personality and emotions, reduce blood flow to the fetus, slow down growth and normal organ development, and lower the mother’s immune system.

For me, this crappy stupid flare up was an opportunity to learn lesson #1: Doesn’t matter what’s going on, the bean needs me to be calm.

Deal.

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Why the Bay Area rocks: Reason #34256 in a series

October 12, 2007 at 6:12 am (development, miracle, second trimester)
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I have never felt more grateful for technology than I am now, in the aftermath of yestereday’s “Combined First Trimester Screening.” The scope of this included an ultrasound wherein the measure the width of the baby’s neck to determine risk of spina bifida, as well as a blood test to determine likelihood of other birth defects (specifically Down’s syndrome and trisomy, which I had never heard of before, but is particularly icky).

The office that does this is SF Perinatal in San Francisco. Before you begin, you sign your rights away on forms printed on trademarked letter head that reads Genezyme (TM). WTF, we’re living in the heart of the genetic revolution, I suppose, and before the end of this appointment, I am very grateful for it.

Anyway, C and I spend over an hour and a half talking with a genetic counselor about the gazillions of different tests you can take to determine the health of your baby. These tests are either based on probability (blood tests, ultrasounds) or pure genetic analysis (more invasive procedures like CVS and amniocentisis).

I had an appointment for an Integrated Screening, which would have taken 3 more weeks to get results. After reviewing all the options, we opted for a Combined Screening, which is less accurate but has a shorter results window, with the caveat that if there’s anything even remotely weird on the results, we’ll do a CVS next week. If the resuts of the Combined come back super positive, we’ll skip the invasive procedure til the amnio at 17 weeks.

Then, I go in for the ultrasound. A wonderful woman administers it, and she’s showing us all the different views. The bean is 6.5 cm from head to rump, and is bouncing all over the place in these herky jerky motions OF ITS OWN VOLITION! It looks like a protozoa from high school science class, bouncing and flopping under the microscope. At one point, she turns on the audio and we can actually HEAR the heart beat, along with a graphical print out of the most beautiful beat track I’ve ever seen. 151 BPM for the DJs in the house. Now that’s some slammin’ shit!

Then the Doc comes in and shows us more detailed neck measurements – looks good, she says. Looks good. LAA! She gives us a full-0n DVD of all the images, alas no audio (would that not be cool to sample and put into a dance track??) But there is a little Quicktime movie of the bugger kicking, too!

Here are a couple stills from a whole myriad of images.

The bean in repose:

The bean in repose


The supine bean

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Big tests tomorrow

October 10, 2007 at 6:21 pm (second trimester)
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Tomorrow I go in for “genetic counseling,” a blood test, and my second ultrasound. They can determine likelihood of Down’s syndrome, and other genetic diseases between this and another blood test.

I have kept myself blissfully ignorant of all the potential terrifying genetic mashups that could befall my baby, and instead have kept myself positive and focused on healthy outcome. Tomorrow will be a bit of a day of reckoning.

I have two things going against me:
1) I am 43
2) I have a first cousin who is has a mental disability

I assume I will get the full ear-load of stats and probabilities in the “genetic counselling” section of tomorrow’s appointment. They have to tell us about this sometime, right?

Meanwhile, I secretly pray for a healthy bean with all my heart.

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